For the Baby Who Bumped His Nose (& His Forehead) [& His Chin] Yesterday
Tips from Grandma’s Wild & Wooly Childhood

1. Do not stand where doors will be opened. Door knobs make a solid impression, and the black eyes they leave behind when they smack you in the head are quite spectacular.

2. When pretending to be an umpire, stand further back than you think you need to. Then take another giant step back. Also, monitor practice warm-up swings from far, far, far away. Again, baseball bats can be painful, and the purple and green eyelids are something to see.

3. When riding a pony, avoid going towards the clothesline; if you discover the pony is trotting under the clothesline anyway, duck down forward over the horse’s neck. If you lean backwards over the pony’s rump, you’ll scrape your face off on the clothesline. And maybe lose a tooth.

4. When you’re older, and riding a bigger horse, make sure someone puts the bridle on first. Never tie baling twine to the halter and call that good enough. The back of your head actually does NOT enjoy making contact with pavement or concrete.

5. Avoid playing with razors of any type. It you enjoy having fingers, that is.

6. Running on stone walls is not recommended for anyone, particularly if the wall is covered with vines. I’m just saying.

7. When ice skating, attempt to fall with your skates behind you. If you fall with your legs and skates forward, you can cut your chin. Blood on the ice is not pretty.

8. When sliding down hill, it’s best to wait until winter when you have snow pants, a toboggan, and snow to protect your legs. Sliding down the gravel hill in summer, without a sled and while wearing shorts, is not advisable.

9. Please do not jump off (or out of) a moving vehicle. When an object moving 5mph hits a stationary object (like the street or a sidewalk), pain is necessarily involved.

10. Try to slow down… a least a little bit.

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